Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
