it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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