never play flip cup with pint glasses
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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