I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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