he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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