Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
