currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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