I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
