her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
