I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
