just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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