RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
