Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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