So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
