The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
