did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
