I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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