my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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