Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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