It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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