That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
