is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
