I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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