yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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