I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You can't special order awesome
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it glows. i had to have it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
