Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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