i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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