peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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