I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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