I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
