the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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