for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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