Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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