In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
