i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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