Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
