apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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