how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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