Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
