You made me cry and you don't even care
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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