you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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