Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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