I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
