Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
