I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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