i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
