I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
