I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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