u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
