Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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