now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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