i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
