I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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