he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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