I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
