I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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