Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
