I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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