I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
