Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
